The Bog Blog

2009-10-09T05:04:00.000-07:00

Bathhouse Bar, 8 Bishopsgate Churchyard, Broadgate, EC2M 3TJ

The Bathhouse is a beautifully splendid feast for the eyes with no expense spared on its decoration, except of course for its craphouse. An ample space papered with victorian style erotica which looks great but may induce a five knuckle shuffle from from one or two seedy little buggers and may possible cause the rest of us to piss on our chins! Racy stuff indeed.

6/10

Cafe 1001

2009-08-27T05:04:00.000-07:00

Cafe 1001, 1 Dray Walk, 91 Brick Lane, E1 6QL

I can't decide weather this place stinks more of piss or shit? Perhaps both in equal measure. Even during a midweek lunch this place looked like it had seen better days. It was so rank that not even the cockroaches I saw in the cafe (no I don't mean Pete Doherty) did not dare to enter! I was literally scared for my sexual health when unsheathing my organs. I have never heard of anyone catching hep C whilst pinching a loaf but Im pretty sure you could have picked up a few tropical diseases on this pan.

3/10

Liverpool Street Station

2009-08-27T04:51:00.000-07:00

Liverpool Street Station, City of London, EC2M 7QH

Another pay as you poo toilet. 30p in this instance which is fairly reasonable considering that there is still a staggering number of people who cannot aim and lack basic hygiene and toilet manners and thus this latrine requires a dedicated team of piss scrubbers and bowl wipers. Some have even been know to man the toll gate to stop the odd trendy and city boy who thinks they are above mere mortals and such should not pay to enter. Most of the cubicle locks are of dubious functionality but luckily you can be distracted of this by the scrawling of peoples allegiances to various football clubs and offers of bum love.

6/10

Porta-Potty @ Lovebox weekend

2009-07-21T08:05:00.000-07:00

Porta-Potty, Lovebox weekend, Victoria Park, Hackney

This was a total surprise. It had a urinal (off camera left) for guys with agoraphobic genitals so no one had an excuse for splashing the seats with their amber nectar. A big flush leaver that dumps an acrid blue chemical atop your brown matter and if that wasn't enough there was a team of rather hard looking recovering meth addict look-a-likes hoovering them out all day. I kind of felt like I was in a scene from Tron though when I was in there but that could have been brought on by an altogether different experience that Im sure was shared by all that weekend.

6/10

Frith Street Gallery

2009-07-21T07:53:00.000-07:00

Frith Street Gallery, 15 - 18 Golden Square, Soho, W1F 9JJ

The lovely people that work in the gallery are very particular. Everything is done in a certain way with a certain decorum (as you would expect from a gallery of this standing) and I'd like to think that they approach going to the lav in the same fastidious nature. Considering this was papped during a rambunctious private view it was in great condition. A sense of solitude was aroused upon dropping ones trous (ers.) They even had Ecover hand soap which was the icing on the cake.

7/10

Palais De Tokyo

2009-07-21T07:14:00.000-07:00

Palais De Tokyo, Avenue President Wilson, 75016, Paris, France

Its been a while since I was in Paris but I thought I would add this one anyway. I was there for pretty much a whole week but due to the excessive consumption of bread and cheese I didn't get that 'loving feeling' too often. So here we are, the Palais De Tokyo which to be honest wasn't very palatial! Spacious perhaps, but there where certainly no creature comforts like toilet paper and hot water, you know, the kind of thing you grow accustomed too in your own home, like doors that lock, none of that here. This stark stanky toilet just seemed like a giant 3D sketchbook in which shit tags where more predominant than soap. It had more in common with an ally in Shoreditch than our toilets at home.

4/10

Shunt

2009-06-25T03:58:00.001-07:00

Shunt, 20 Stainer Street, London Bridge, SE1 9RL

Shunt is an interesting club/space/lounge/gallery/theatre/venue type thing behind an inconspicuous door in London Bridge. A vast cavernous space that is totally art-fag and a little decrepit. The toilets occupy one of its less huge spaces, though its still pretty big. At first glance it seems unisex as the guys and girls are going next to each other, but on further inspection this is only due to the fact that urinals look like they are from some war torn third world country. I seriously thought I was going to fall through the floor wen I went in! Subsequently males and females alike piss and poo in unison. There is graffiti everywhere and this makes it feel like a Berlin squat party, which is pretty cool. The toilets on the whole where pretty clean, with plenty of paper. Though the gap in the dividers separating each cubicle is so high I was worried that the person next to me was able to see my dink and then examine my business in a Gillian McKeith kind of stylee.

6/10

Royal College of Art, Sculpture School

2009-06-09T08:24:00.001-07:00

Royal College of Art Sculpture School 15 - 25 Howie Street, Battersea SW11

Im quite glad that no one had found artistic inspiration whilst pinching a loaf, but then again Im pretty sure they don't let in feacalphiliacs. Probably for the best. An interesting edifice in the way that it was pretty much just a shed with a few partition walls thin enough to listen to the girls drop 'em next door! On the whole a pretty clean and pleasant toilet.

7/10

Cocomo

2009-06-09T08:10:00.000-07:00

Cocomo, 323 Old Street, Hoxton, EC1V 9LE

I have never had such a claustrophobic crap! Squeeze in, shut the door, drop your pants and let your knees knock on the walls! So Tight that this was the best shot I could get. Pretty grim bog. Even one of the taps had been gaffa taped up because it was so decrepit. The seat was a bit wobbly too.

4/10

The Photographers Gallery

2009-06-09T08:01:00.000-07:00

The Photographers Gallery 16 - 18 Ramillies Street W1F 7LW

Well this was a pretty stark commode, the interior looked just like the gallery itself with looming plain white walls. Great space though, they could probably bung a couple of snaps in there and extend the exhibition space! A poor attempt at bringing some character into the space can bee seen in the background in the form of some wilting flowers in a touching shade of magnolia.

6/10

White Swan

2009-04-22T05:16:00.000-07:00

White Swan, 14 Vauxhall Bridge Road, Pimlico SW1V 2SA

To be honest this was quite a modest commode. Dark but not dank, dingy but not dirty. I think it was just a dated old bog really. Pretty clean with more than enough paper to pamper your poo hole after a vinadloo or two.

6/10

Feng Sushi

2009-04-07T13:35:00.001-07:00

Feng Sushi, Notting Hill, W11 3JZ

Not Massive, in fact quite small. Most people would have to stoop to wash their hands. There is however a mirror adjacent to the bowel so you can watch yourself poo.

4/10

Public Toilet Broadwick Street

2009-04-07T12:19:00.000-07:00

Broadwick Street, Soho, W1F 8HX

50p a poop. I know most people have a chip on their shoulder about spending money to spend a penny but you can lock yourself in for up to 20 mins. That works out at 2.5p a minute. In my books thats a bargin. Bigger than most peoples bogs at home, you could probably throw a party in there. Clean too.

7/10

Sketch

2009-04-07T12:18:00.000-07:00

Sketch, 9 Conduit Street, W1S 2XG

The toilets here are completely unisex. Which is pretty refreshing. The decor is amazing, if a little unnerving and completely white. A massive egg shaped edifice filled with the sound of cheering and laughter projected through the cubicles own dedicated speaker system further amuse/disturb the sitter. Hygiene was high. A thoroughly pleasant place to poo!

8/10

The Hog In The Pound

2009-03-25T09:03:00.002-07:00

The Hog In The Pound, Bond Street, W1K 5RE

Well. Taking a dump in this place is not for the faint hearted. No toilet seat, basin splattered with piss, saloon style door that has no lock which can't be held shut as it is too far away. You'd probably crap on the floor if you tried. General hygiene standards were pretty low whilst the scent of ammonia was pretty high. Obviously not well maintained as a can of Special Brew can be seen in the background.

4/10

The Strongroom

2009-03-25T09:03:00.001-07:00

The strongroom, 120 - 124 Curtain Road, Shoreditch, EC2A 3SQ

Each cubicle has its own basin, for which, I assume is incase you are firing from both ends. On the whole it was relatively clean, though you do have to wade through a quagmire of piss and paper towels to get to the shitter on a busy night. Not much to report really. Quite a lackluster bog really.

5/10

Argyle Arms

2009-03-25T09:02:00.001-07:00

Argyll Arms, Argyll Street, W1F 7TP.

Initial appearances where not good. Piss and paper sprawled across the cubicle floor highlighting the previous users lack of aim. On the whole, however, it was pretty hygienic. And there was plenty of room to swing a cat. The grab rails I assume are for some kind of fecal gymnastics as Im sure no wheelchair user would be able to climb two flights of stairs to use them.

6/10