Bathhouse Bar, 8 Bishopsgate Churchyard, Broadgate, EC2M 3TJ

The Bathhouse is a beautifully splendid feast for the eyes with no expense spared on its decoration, except of course for its craphouse. An ample space papered with victorian style erotica which looks great but may induce a five knuckle shuffle from from one or two seedy little buggers and may possible cause the rest of us to piss on our chins! Racy stuff indeed.

6/10

Cafe 1001

Cafe 1001, 1 Dray Walk, 91 Brick Lane, E1 6QL

I can't decide weather this place stinks more of piss or shit? Perhaps both in equal measure. Even during a midweek lunch this place looked like it had seen better days. It was so rank that not even the cockroaches I saw in the cafe (no I don't mean Pete Doherty) did not dare to enter! I was literally scared for my sexual health when unsheathing my organs. I have never heard of anyone catching hep C whilst pinching a loaf but Im pretty sure you could have picked up a few tropical diseases on this pan.

3/10

Liverpool Street Station

Liverpool Street Station, City of London, EC2M 7QH

Another pay as you poo toilet. 30p in this instance which is fairly reasonable considering that there is still a staggering number of people who cannot aim and lack basic hygiene and toilet manners and thus this latrine requires a dedicated team of piss scrubbers and bowl wipers. Some have even been know to man the toll gate to stop the odd trendy and city boy who thinks they are above mere mortals and such should not pay to enter. Most of the cubicle locks are of dubious functionality but luckily you can be distracted of this by the scrawling of peoples allegiances to various football clubs and offers of bum love.

6/10

Porta-Potty @ Lovebox weekend

Porta-Potty, Lovebox weekend, Victoria Park, Hackney

This was a total surprise. It had a urinal (off camera left) for guys with agoraphobic genitals so no one had an excuse for splashing the seats with their amber nectar. A big flush leaver that dumps an acrid blue chemical atop your brown matter and if that wasn't enough there was a team of rather hard looking recovering meth addict look-a-likes hoovering them out all day. I kind of felt like I was in a scene from Tron though when I was in there but that could have been brought on by an altogether different experience that Im sure was shared by all that weekend.

6/10

Frith Street Gallery

Frith Street Gallery, 15 - 18 Golden Square, Soho, W1F 9JJ

The lovely people that work in the gallery are very particular. Everything is done in a certain way with a certain decorum (as you would expect from a gallery of this standing) and I'd like to think that they approach going to the lav in the same fastidious nature. Considering this was papped during a rambunctious private view it was in great condition. A sense of solitude was aroused upon dropping ones trous (ers.) They even had Ecover hand soap which was the icing on the cake.

7/10

Palais De Tokyo

Palais De Tokyo, Avenue President Wilson, 75016, Paris, France

Its been a while since I was in Paris but I thought I would add this one anyway. I was there for pretty much a whole week but due to the excessive consumption of bread and cheese I didn't get that 'loving feeling' too often. So here we are, the Palais De Tokyo which to be honest wasn't very palatial! Spacious perhaps, but there where certainly no creature comforts like toilet paper and hot water, you know, the kind of thing you grow accustomed too in your own home, like doors that lock, none of that here. This stark stanky toilet just seemed like a giant 3D sketchbook in which shit tags where more predominant than soap. It had more in common with an ally in Shoreditch than our toilets at home.

4/10

Shunt

Shunt, 20 Stainer Street, London Bridge, SE1 9RL

Shunt is an interesting club/space/lounge/gallery/theatre/venue type thing behind an inconspicuous door in London Bridge. A vast cavernous space that is totally art-fag and a little decrepit. The toilets occupy one of its less huge spaces, though its still pretty big. At first glance it seems unisex as the guys and girls are going next to each other, but on further inspection this is only due to the fact that urinals look like they are from some war torn third world country. I seriously thought I was going to fall through the floor wen I went in! Subsequently males and females alike piss and poo in unison. There is graffiti everywhere and this makes it feel like a Berlin squat party, which is pretty cool. The toilets on the whole where pretty clean, with plenty of paper. Though the gap in the dividers separating each cubicle is so high I was worried that the person next to me was able to see my dink and then examine my business in a Gillian McKeith kind of stylee.

6/10